— We're late for church.
— Oh, I'd love to go with you honey, but I got a lot of work to do around the bed.

— I want to be emancipated.
— Emancipated! Don't you like bein' a dude?

— Dad, is this art or is it vandalism?
— That's for the courts to decide.

— Maybe you should read your Bible?
— Which part?
— Oh, its all good!

— Daddy, I’m scared. Too scared to even wet my pants.
— Just relax and it’ll come, son.

— I'm sorry, Homer. Your H. M. O. doesn't cover this type of injury.
— But I have finger insurance!
— A thumb is not a finger.
— Isn't there anything you can do?
— Well, I could cut off the other thumb for a sense of symmetry.

— Okay, Marge. And who's that gentleman you're with?
— That's no gentleman. That's my husband.
— Wow. Mom got a laugh. I wish she drank every day.

But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old. Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?

Flowers, the painted whores of the plant world!

When I look at people, I don't see colors. I just see crackpot religions.

Stop saying things, Bart. That's the TV's job.

— Hey, you did the best you could.
— I love animals. I've spent my life saving them and they can never thank me. Well, the parrots can.

If you don't like your job you don't strike, you just go in every day and do it really half-assed — that's the american way.

— Bart, don't you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep, we could die!
— Eh, welcome to my world! [falls asleep]

Masseuses — half doctors, half hookers that solve everything.

— If you pinch your cheeks, they'll glow. A little more, try to break some capillaries, dear.
— Couldn't we use just rouge for this?
— Ladies pinch. Whores use rouge.