The Simpsons [Season 8]

Everybody makes mistakes. That's why they put erasers on pencils.

— ... please God — kill sideshow Bob.
— You can't ask God to kill someone.
— Yeah! You do your own dirty work.

— Hey, how come Lisa gets a pony?
— Because she stopped loving me.
— I don't love you either, so give me a moped.

Oh my God! Space aliens. Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

— Simpson, what are you doing here? Why aren't you at work?
— I made a bad mistake and Lenny sent me home to think about what I did. But I don't remember what it was, so I'm watching TV.

— She was looking at Nelson!
— Lisa likes Nelson!
— She does not!
— Milhouse likes Lisa!
— He does not!
— Janey likes Milhouse!
— She does not!
— Uter likes Milhouse.
— *Nobody* likes Milhouse!

To alcohol! The cause of and solution to all of life's problems!

Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

Well crying isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.

— We're late for church.
— Oh, I'd love to go with you honey, but I got a lot of work to do around the bed.

— Maybe you should read your Bible?
— Which part?
— Oh, its all good!

Eternal happiness for one dollar? I'd be happier with the dollar.