I mean, if I had known the last time I saw you would be the last time, I... I would have stopped to memorize your face, the way you moved. Everything about you. If I had known the last time I kissed you would be the last time... I never would have stopped.

I made a man twice my size cry. I mean, I haven't done that since I was 4 and I washed my dad's Porsche with rocks.

Why, God, why? We had a deal. Let the others grow old, not me!

You know what's weird? Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always puts a towel around his waist.

— Have you told him how you feel?
— Yes. Not out loud.

— So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday?
— What I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.
— Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree & Evelyn?

— Look what we almost left!
— That's not mine.
— Look what we almost took!

— Is that the fire alarm?
— Yeah. Oh, it's not warm yet. We still have time.

— I am gonna be happy this year. I am gonna make myself happy.
— Do you want us to leave the room?

— Go for it, man. Jump off the high dive. Stare down the barrel of the gun. Pee into the wind.
— Joe, if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun... I'm gonna be pretty much peeing every which way.

— I can ask her to live with me.
— Are you serious?
— Why not? I mean, why not?
— You've only known her six weeks! I've got a carton of milk in my fridge I've had a longer relationship with.

— What's that?
— My new beeper.
— Why does a paleontologist need a beeper?
— Is it for dinosaur emergencies? Help. They're still extinct.

— Remember how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first?
— Yes, but there isn't always time.

Rach, you can't look fat in an x-ray.