Ross Geller

I made a man twice my size cry. I mean, I haven't done that since I was 4 and I washed my dad's Porsche with rocks.

— I am gonna be happy this year. I am gonna make myself happy.
— Do you want us to leave the room?

— I can ask her to live with me.
— Are you serious?
— Why not? I mean, why not?
— You've only known her six weeks! I've got a carton of milk in my fridge I've had a longer relationship with.

— What's that?
— My new beeper.
— Why does a paleontologist need a beeper?
— Is it for dinosaur emergencies? Help. They're still extinct.

Rach, you can't look fat in an x-ray.

— I think my marriage... is kind of over.
— Oh, no! Why?
— Because Carol's a lesbian. And I'm not one.

— So, Dr. Green, how's the old boat?
— They found rust. Do you know what rust does to a boat?
— Gives it a nice antique-y look?
— Rust is boat cancer, Ross.
— Wow, I'm sorry. When I was a kid, I lost a bike to that.

— Hi.
— This guy says "hello," I wanna kill myself.

— "Heating device."
— Radiator.
— Five letters.
— "Rdtor."

— The door's closed. I can't see anything with the door closed.
— And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.

— What are you doing?
— Storming out.
— It's your apartment.
— Yeah? Well, that's how mad I am!

— So you need a dentist? I've got a good one.
— Thanks. I have a good one too. I just can't see him.
— See, that is the problem with invisible dentists.

— Ross, have you ever been beaten up before?
— Yeah, sure.
— By someone besides Monica?
— No.

— I don't want Rachel to hate me. I don't know what to do.
— You want my advice?
— Yes. Please.
— You won't like it.
— That's okay.
— You got married too fast.
— That's not advice.
— I told you.

— You know what? I'll throw a party. For everyone in the building. And I'll sit them all down and explain that I am not a bad guy. I am not a cheap guy. I'm just a guy... who stands up for what he believes in. A man with principles.
— Sounds like a fun party.

— Don't say that I have no sentiment. This is a movie stub from our first date. This is an eggshell from the first time you made me breakfast in bed. This is from the museum, the first time we... were together. Okay, maybe I exchange gifts sometimes, but I keep the things that matter.
— I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. Though... you're not supposed to take these. It's like a million years old. We actually... We have people looking for that.