Ross Geller

— What did the insurance company say?
— They said, "You don't have insurance. Stop calling us."

— Am I a complete idiot for thinking she'd actually show up?
— You're not an idiot, Ross. You're a guy very much in love.
— Same difference.

— I know what you guys are going to say.
— You two would have very hairy children.
— I didn't know you'd say that.

— You slept with another woman?
— Oh, you're one to talk.

— Monica, if you want, I can lend you money.
— No, no. If I couldn't pay you back right away then I'd feel guilty and tense every time I saw you.
— Oh. Then why don't you borrow it from Mom and Dad? You feel guilty and tense around them already. Might as well make some money off of them.

— Janice said, "Hi. Do I look fat today?" And I looked at her...
— You looked at her? You never look. You just answer. It's like a reflex. "Do I look fat?" "No." "Is she prettier than I am?" "No." "Does size matter?"
— No.

— Okay, listen. I'm sorry about last night. I really want to make it up to you.
— No. You know, there's no need to make it up... How?

— It's just that hypnosis is beyond crap.
— I watched you get hypnotized in Atlantic City.
— That guy did not hypnotize me, okay?
— You always pull your pants down and play "Wipe Out" on your butt.

— Shielding your face and shrieking like a girl... is not a backhand.
— I was shrieking... like a Marine.

— If you're working late, I can look in on him.
— That would be great! But make sure it seems like you're there to see him. You're not doing it for me.
— Okay. But if he asks, I'm not going to lie.

— I think I'm going to go wander out in the rain for a while.
— It's not raining.
— I can't catch a break!

— Hello, people who do not live here.
— Hi.
— I gave you a key for emergencies.
— We were out of Doritos.

— Come on, you didn't kill anybody. These people just happened to die when you went to the dentist. It's just a coincidence.
— Tell that to them. Oh, you can't! They're dead!

— I know it's your party... but I'd like to limit the number of museum geeks.
— Let's not invite any anthropologists. Just the dinosaur dudes.

— Hey, guys. I want to ask you something. I may get to speak at this paleontology convention. If I do, I'd love for you guys to come and hear me.
— I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work and/or are sick.
— It's in Barbados.
— But you come first.
— I'm there.

— And the fabric softener?
— Okay, now what is wrong with my Snuggles? What? It says I'm a sensitive, warm kind of guy.