— Have you told him how you feel?
— Yes. Not out loud.

— So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday?
— What I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.
— Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree & Evelyn?

— Look what we almost left!
— That's not mine.
— Look what we almost took!

— Remember how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first?
— Yes, but there isn't always time.

— I think my marriage... is kind of over.
— Oh, no! Why?
— Because Carol's a lesbian. And I'm not one.

— Oh, my God! Something brushed up against my right leg.
— What?
— Oh, it's okay. It was just my left leg.

— "Heating device."
— Radiator.
— Five letters.
— "Rdtor."

— So you need a dentist? I've got a good one.
— Thanks. I have a good one too. I just can't see him.
— See, that is the problem with invisible dentists.

— You don't believe in gravity?
— Well, it's not so much that, you know, I don't believe in it. Lately I get the feeling that... I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.

— Phoebe? Do you have a plan?
— I don't even have a "pla."

— Has anybody seen my engagement ring?
— Yeah, it's beautiful.

Sometimes men love women.
And sometimes men love men.
Then there are bisexuals,
though some just say they're kidding themselves

— Um, you got a minute?
— Um, yeah, I'm just working.

— You guys? Do you know anything about chicks?
— Fowl? No. Women? No.

A stripper at a bachelor party. That is so cliche. Why don't you guys get a magician?