Why, God, why? We had a deal. Let the others grow old, not me!

— Have you told him how you feel?
— Yes. Not out loud.

— Is that the fire alarm?
— Yeah. Oh, it's not warm yet. We still have time.

— Go for it, man. Jump off the high dive. Stare down the barrel of the gun. Pee into the wind.
— Joe, if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun... I'm gonna be pretty much peeing every which way.

— What's that?
— My new beeper.
— Why does a paleontologist need a beeper?
— Is it for dinosaur emergencies? Help. They're still extinct.

— Why can't we use the same toothbrush, but we can use the same soap?
— Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning.
— Next time you shower... think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash.

I bet I stopped listening before you did.

— I was thinking about how I'm always seeing girls on top of girls...
— Are they end-to-end, or tall, like pancakes?

— Hey, dude! Let me in! I got a girl out here!
— I got a girl in here!
— No, you don't. I saw you go in with Monica.

— Hi.
— This guy says "hello," I wanna kill myself.

We're two heterosexual guys hanging with the son... of our other heterosexual friend, doing the usual straight-guy stuff.

— Ross, have you ever been beaten up before?
— Yeah, sure.
— By someone besides Monica?
— No.

— I don't want Rachel to hate me. I don't know what to do.
— You want my advice?
— Yes. Please.
— You won't like it.
— That's okay.
— You got married too fast.
— That's not advice.
— I told you.

— You had a crush on me?
— All right. It wasn't a crush, it was a dent.