You know what's weird? Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always puts a towel around his waist.

— Is that the fire alarm?
— Yeah. Oh, it's not warm yet. We still have time.

— I am gonna be happy this year. I am gonna make myself happy.
— Do you want us to leave the room?

— Go for it, man. Jump off the high dive. Stare down the barrel of the gun. Pee into the wind.
— Joe, if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun... I'm gonna be pretty much peeing every which way.

— I can ask her to live with me.
— Are you serious?
— Why not? I mean, why not?
— You've only known her six weeks! I've got a carton of milk in my fridge I've had a longer relationship with.

— Why can't we use the same toothbrush, but we can use the same soap?
— Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning.
— Next time you shower... think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash.

— No accountants. And no one from "legal". I don't like boring jobs.
— And Ross was what? A lion tamer?

— I was thinking about how I'm always seeing girls on top of girls...
— Are they end-to-end, or tall, like pancakes?

— Hey, dude! Let me in! I got a girl out here!
— I got a girl in here!
— No, you don't. I saw you go in with Monica.

— Oh, my God! What happened?
— Joey was born, and then 28 years later, I was robbed!

— The door's closed. I can't see anything with the door closed.
— And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.

— So you need a dentist? I've got a good one.
— Thanks. I have a good one too. I just can't see him.
— See, that is the problem with invisible dentists.

— So who broke up with who?
— You kidding? I broke up with her. She actually thought Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia.
— When everybody knows that the, uh, capital of Cambodia is... Is, uh...
— It's not Sean Penn.

She gives the worst massages ever! It was like she was torturing me for information. I wanted to give it up. I just didn't know what it was!