The Simpsons

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

— Have we ever had a party? And that drink with champagne and musicians and priests?
— It was our wedding!

Remember when I said I would eat you last? I lied.

Money doesn't change you, it just makes you more of who you are.

— Hey, how come Lisa gets a pony?
— Because she stopped loving me.
— I don't love you either, so give me a moped.

He died as he lived — like a dork.

— Who wants to put on a leotard and get screamed at.
— Well, hookers and Spider-man.

— Oh, my God, I do want a brother.
— You can have mine, but he's kinda lame.

— Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you!
— Batman?
— No, he's a scientist.
— Batman's a scientist.
— It's not Batman!

Oh my god I'm going to be killed by a bear! Well I guess I don't have to worry anymore about the dangers of smoking.

— I’m sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we’re the worst family in town.
— Maybe we should move to a larger community.

— Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
— Well I’ve got a whole list of chores. Clean the garage, paint the house.
— Woah woah woah. I’m just trying to get in. I’m not running for Jesus.

Poking dead raccoons is not research.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

But when I see the smiles on their little faces, I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something.