Two and a Half Men Quotes

— Married men live, on average, 10 years longer than single men.
— What if they don't want to?

It's easier to be forgiven than ask permission.

one of charlie's rules for sex

— I'd think you'd be happy for me.
— I am happy for you. You had the courage to walk over there with your pus-filled eye and fall on your ass and still got a date with one of the most beautiful women I've ever met. I'm not only happy for you, I'm proud of you. Now, I have to re-evaluate everything I thought I knew about men, women, relationships, God and the universe. But that's not your problem.

Alan managed to meet a beautiful girl.

Love isn't blind, it's retarded.

... resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair.

You can roll manure in powdered in sugar, but it still ain't a jelly doughnut.

Why waste time on 10s when you're already getting rejected by sixes?

— For the record, there are other ways of measuring success besides cars.
— You're right. There's boats and pools.

— Our relationship wasn't going anywhere, and you are incapable of change.
— It's not that I'm incapable, I've just been unwilling.

— This is so wrong. I send her a child support check every month which is supposed to include things like clothing, food, shoes.
— Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a whorehouse... You're constantly surprised that you've been screwed... and you don't wanna pay for it.

— What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
— Well, then you must be, like, the Hulk.

— I'm kind of hungry. Can we stop for a chili cheeseburger?
— You're hungry? How could you even think about food?
— What do you think about when you're hungry?

Jake hit his head, they're going to the hospital

— Are you okay?
— Yeah, I'm fine. I was just trying to drown myself.
— Wait, you tried to commit suicide?
— Yeah. But I had no idea that the water would be that cold. Suppose I could've worn a wetsuit, but who tries to commit suicide in a wetsuit, right?

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Season 9

Episode 1

— If you've got someone to clean your house and do your shopping and you're getting action on a regular basis, the only reason you need a wife is if you have some sick compulsion to give away half your stuff.

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