Two and a Half Men [Season 5]

— This is a secret that will serve you for the rest of your life: the hotter the girl, the lonelier she is because most guys are too scared to talk to her.

— You know what we call people who say those kinds of things?
— My family?

— Things don't just turn up. You're living in a dream world. Money doesn't just fall from the sky.
— Obviously you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.

... resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair.

— Want some cake?
— I don't eat sugar.
— Oh, yeah, me neither. Unless it's in, like, pies and cookies and stuff.

They say driving one is the most fun you can have with your pants on.

— I was just wondering. What does it mean when someone starts crying uncontrollably after sex?
— Well, in my experience, it usually means the conjugal visit's over.

— Bonjour! Are you a friend of Charlie's?
— I'm his brother. So, no.

— How do you stop being afraid?
— Well, I drink.

Reading a self-help book doesn't make you less of a man.

— Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underware?
— Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.