Charlie Harper

— So you think somebody's out there spreading nasty rumors?
— Worse. I think somebody's out there spreading the truth.

— This is a secret that will serve you for the rest of your life: the hotter the girl, the lonelier she is because most guys are too scared to talk to her.

— So I told you about my daughter, right?
— You have a daughter?
— I have three.
— Three? Wow... You gotta start learning to say no, little lady.

— ... I just found out I have a lump on my groin.
— Bad place for a lump.
— Tell me a good place.
— Somebody else's groin.

Chris McElroy (ex-husband of Lyndsey)

Charlie Harper

Doctor Herb Melnik

Ironic Quotes

First, he forgets me.
Now he leaves me with you.
Hey, you know what? Your father works like a dog to make sure you have everything.
If he's not there for you it's just because he's trying to stay out of federal prison.
I think he needs to have sex.
I was kidding about prison, Jake.

— Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underware?
— Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.