Two and a Half Men Quotes

— She invited me to her house for dinner tonight. I think she wants to have sex.
— With who?
— With me.
— With you? Hang on a second. Nope. No snowballs reported in hell. No sightings of flying pigs.
— What am I gonna do?
— You don't know? Come on, Alan, you were married for 12 years.
— What does marriage have to do with sex?
— Point taken. Okay, you want some tips?
— No, no, nothing like that. I need step-by-step instructions.

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There are no small, frightened women. That's a myth. Perpetrated by the large, angry women who secretly run the world.

It takes more than sex to make a man happy. You also need money.

— It's just for a couple of days.
— A couple of days? Jack The Ripper just kill a couple of prostitutes. It was still wrong.

Alan's ex-wife is going to move in for a couple of days.

— Here, put these on.
— I wore these yesterday.
— They're still extremely stylish. Put them on.

— I'd think you'd be happy for me.
— I am happy for you. You had the courage to walk over there with your pus-filled eye and fall on your ass and still got a date with one of the most beautiful women I've ever met. I'm not only happy for you, I'm proud of you. Now, I have to re-evaluate everything I thought I knew about men, women, relationships, God and the universe. But that's not your problem.

Alan managed to meet a beautiful girl.

Why waste time on 10s when you're already getting rejected by sixes?

— For the record, there are other ways of measuring success besides cars.
— You're right. There's boats and pools.

— This is so wrong. I send her a child support check every month which is supposed to include things like clothing, food, shoes.
— Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a whorehouse... You're constantly surprised that you've been screwed... and you don't wanna pay for it.

— Wow, you went out with her?
— Yep.
— Why would you stop?
— I don't remember. I probably got bored.
— Bored? How do you get bored with that?
— Alan, for every beautiful woman in the world, there's at least one guy out there who's tired of pretending to listen to her in exchange for sex.

— You're overthinking this. When your dog dies, you don't make a list. You bury him, plant a shrub on top, tell the kids he's running around a farm, and move on.
— That's actually a very apt metaphor. My failed marriage is like a dead dog. But it serves as fertilizer for the shrub, which represents my new life. So if I try to revitalize the marriage... You know, digging up the dog... then I'm killing the shrub, which is me.