Two and a Half Men [Season 8]

— Thought you have a date tonight.
— Not a date, a date experience.
— What's the difference?
— About fifteen hundred dollars.

What is it with women? They go off and get married, and all of a sudden seem a lot more beautiful.

— So, what happened?... She's so hot.
— ... For everyone gorgeous woman in the world, there's a guy out there who's tired of banging her.

— ... I just found out I have a lump on my groin.
— Bad place for a lump.
— Tell me a good place.
— Somebody else's groin.

— Let me ask you something. What do you think being truly intimate with a woman is?
— Not using a condom?

You're a saint for having sex with my brother. No, really... It's like taking a bird with a busted wing and putting him in a shoebox and feeding him with an eyedropper. You know he's never gonna fly, but you give it your best shot. Alan's the bird.