Two and a Half Men

They're so precious at that age, aren't they? Call me in a few years when she's pierced and pregnant with a pocket full of 30-day chips.

— So, what happened?... She's so hot.
— ... For everyone gorgeous woman in the world, there's a guy out there who's tired of banging her.

— How about that? He's got a crush.
— It's like watching a dog chase a car. He'll never catch it, and even if he did, he couldn't drive it.
— He's still doing better than you.

No, please, stop. Do not call me a great guy. That's what you call the schmuk loser friend who has to dance with the hot chick's ugly cousin.

— What are you watching?
— Soft-core porn.
— Sound's not on.
— I don't need to hear them.

— Want some cake?
— I don't eat sugar.
— Oh, yeah, me neither. Unless it's in, like, pies and cookies and stuff.

The holy trinity of a Valentine's Day: sips, sonets and sodomy.

— I understand you teachers are sadly underpaid.
— That's very true.
— I'd like to do my part. Can I buy you dinner?

— Alan, the kid was asking about these women you've been going out with. Why he never meets them.
— Really? What did you tell him?
— I said it's probably because he's disgusting... I also told him that you love him, you don't want him to get attached to somebody and then be dissapointed if things don't work out.
— Good. Thank you.
— But how come I don't get to meet them?
— Because you're disgusting.

There's only a few reasons why an ex calls. One, they're great, and wanna rub your nose in it. Or two, they're doing lousy and need to borrow money.

— Why are they fighting?
— They're not fighting. They're discussing.
— I'm a child of divorce, Dad. I know the difference.

— You know what, it doesn't matter if I look cool, we judge a person by what's inside them, not by what they wear.
— Lucky for you.

— Relationships are built on trust and mutual respect.
— Oh, grow up. Relationships are built on diamond earrings and Viagra.

They say driving one is the most fun you can have with your pants on.