Two and a Half Men [Season 9]

Hi, it's me. I want you to know that I just flung myself in the ocean 'cause I can't live without you. No, I'm not calling you from the ocean.

— Are you okay?
— Yeah, I'm fine. I was just trying to drown myself.
— Wait, you tried to commit suicide?
— Yeah. But I had no idea that the water would be that cold. Suppose I could've worn a wetsuit, but who tries to commit suicide in a wetsuit, right?

They're so precious at that age, aren't they? Call me in a few years when she's pierced and pregnant with a pocket full of 30-day chips.

The holy trinity of a Valentine's Day: sips, sonets and sodomy.

— You sure you're okay?
— Yeah. I'm just going to go back to my hotel room and update my Facebook status to "not dead yet".