Well, you know what they say. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and can't get laid, huh?

— Come on, really. What's the big secret with these women?
— Boy, I really don't wanna get into it.
— They're hideous, right?
— No.
— Insufferable?
— No.
— Inflatable?

— So, Evelyn... are you married?
— Not at the moment. Why? What do you have in mind?
— Well, maybe we could start with a little dinner.
— Sounds good. But how do you wanna finish?
— Simultaneously.

Love isn't blind, it's retarded.

You weren't exactly eye-candy going in. But now... you could scare the flies off a manure truck.

— How about that? He's got a crush.
— It's like watching a dog chase a car. He'll never catch it, and even if he did, he couldn't drive it.
— He's still doing better than you.

— What are you watching?
— Soft-core porn.
— Sound's not on.
— I don't need to hear them.

There's only a few reasons why an ex calls. One, they're great, and wanna rub your nose in it. Or two, they're doing lousy and need to borrow money.

Alan, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to make a choice. Does he wanna be loved or does he wanna get laid? Fourteen years ago you made the wrong choice. You got married. And you wound up with neither. But now, now fate has given you another chance. Welcome it. Embrace it. Grab its pert little ass!