Two and a Half Men [Season 6]

Just remember, when it comes to nurturing, Charlie's like a dog playing the piano. You can't fault him if he hits a few bum notes. You just got to applaud the effort and hope he doesn't whiz all over the keys.

— What happened to your money?
— Good question. You know how easy Texas Hold'em looks on TV when you can see the other guys' hole cards?
— Yeah.
— Very different in real life.

— It is like I have known him all my life.
— I know the feeling. You get over it.

Hey, you may think I'm dumb, but you overestimate me!

— But there are other people with cars, living lives completely separate from your own.
— Oh, right. I hate those people.

— Our relationship wasn't going anywhere, and you are incapable of change.
— It's not that I'm incapable, I've just been unwilling.

— Sure you don't want a drink?
— No. When I'm depressed, alcohol just makes me feel worse.
— Yeah, see, the trick is to drink past that. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon.

— Wow, pregnancy's a wild ride, huh? One minute she's loving and affectionate and the next minute she's, well...
— Cruel? Vengeful? Castrating?
— I was gonna say "moody".
— Wait for it.

A dead girl in your bed is an emergency. A passed-out girl is a dinner date.