Two and a Half Men Quotes

— Come on, really. What's the big secret with these women?
— Boy, I really don't wanna get into it.
— They're hideous, right?
— No.
— Insufferable?
— No.
— Inflatable?

Alan doesn't want to introduce Charlie and Jake to the women he's dating.

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— It is like I have known him all my life.
— I know the feeling. You get over it.

about Charlie

— Will you take me Rollerblading, Uncle Charlie?
— I can't, buddy. I got work to do.
— What am I gonna do all day?
— It's really nice outside. Why don't you wash my car?

— Women are suckers for a good apology. Just keep shoveling it on till roses start growing in it.
— Poor Satan. He'll come for your soul and he'll leave empty-handed.

Charlie explains his way of asking for forgiveness

— I tried with that kid, Alan. He says one thing, and then he goes and does another.
— He's 10. He's got the attention span of a hummingbird.
— What am I supposed to do when he ignores me?
— You punish him. You take away his computer, his TV, his toys.
— You already took away all the good stuff. What am I supposed to take away? His bronchial inhaler?

— Remember, you're being punished. So, no TV, no computer, no GameBoy. Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears.
— Okay, but you have to be my liver and prostate.

Alan to Jake and Charlie

— Charlie!
— What?
— You kicked me in your sleep.
— Who said I was asleep?

— So, Evelyn... are you married?
— Not at the moment. Why? What do you have in mind?
— Well, maybe we could start with a little dinner.
— Sounds good. But how do you wanna finish?
— Simultaneously.

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