Two and a Half Men

— So you think somebody's out there spreading nasty rumors?
— Worse. I think somebody's out there spreading the truth.

— This is a secret that will serve you for the rest of your life: the hotter the girl, the lonelier she is because most guys are too scared to talk to her.

— One Russian blonde. One Scottish brunette. And a full-bodied redhead from Napa Valley. Charlie's angels.

— You said I was very special to you.
— You were.
— Yeah, me and three other women.
— I said you were special, not unique.

Well, you know what they say. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and can't get laid, huh?

Just remember, when it comes to nurturing, Charlie's like a dog playing the piano. You can't fault him if he hits a few bum notes. You just got to applaud the effort and hope he doesn't whiz all over the keys.

— Will you take me swimming in the ocean?
— Can we talk about it after my head stops exploding?
— Why is your head exploding?
— Well, I drank a little too much wine last night.
— If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?
— Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake.
— You have to put one dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass".
— Tell you what, here's twenty. That should cover me till lunch.

— You know what we call people who say those kinds of things?
— My family?

— She invited me to her house for dinner tonight. I think she wants to have sex.
— With who?
— With me.
— With you? Hang on a second. Nope. No snowballs reported in hell. No sightings of flying pigs.
— What am I gonna do?
— You don't know? Come on, Alan, you were married for 12 years.
— What does marriage have to do with sex?
— Point taken. Okay, you want some tips?
— No, no, nothing like that. I need step-by-step instructions.

There are no small, frightened women. That's a myth. Perpetrated by the large, angry women who secretly run the world.

— What happened to your money?
— Good question. You know how easy Texas Hold'em looks on TV when you can see the other guys' hole cards?
— Yeah.
— Very different in real life.

It takes more than sex to make a man happy. You also need money.

— Thought you have a date tonight.
— Not a date, a date experience.
— What's the difference?
— About fifteen hundred dollars.

— Wanna know a sure-fire hangover cure? Never stop drinking.

— Things don't just turn up. You're living in a dream world. Money doesn't just fall from the sky.
— Obviously you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.