Chandler Bing

— What did the insurance company say?
— They said, "You don't have insurance. Stop calling us."

— And I, uh, borrowed some of your cologne. I hope she likes it.
— And I don't have any cologne.
— Green bottle next to the shaving cream.
— Oh. Worm medicine for the duck.

— You idiot!
— I'm sure you're right. But why?

— I may only have a couple beers in me, but I love you.
— I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice.

— Carol? I was wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?
— Sure.
— Uh... Does it hurt?
— It did at first, but not anymore.
— So, uh, how often can you do it?
— As much as he needs.
— Oh, okay, I got one, I got one. Uh... If he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?

— The camera adds ten pounds.
— So how many cameras are actually on you?

— Okay. Okay. We'll leave. When we pass her... she won't know me, because we never met!
— That's how radio stars escape stalkers!

— This is just like my parents' divorce... which is when I first started smoking.
— Weren't you 9?
— Yeah. I'm telling you something, that first smoke after naptime...

— So, what happened? Did a forest tick you off?
— No. You know how we're always saying we need a place for the mail. Yeah. Well, I started building one. But then I decided to take it to the next step.
— You're building a post office?

— He had sex with Mr. Garibaldi.
— Who's Mr. Garibaldi?
— Does it matter?!

— What am I sitting on?
— Top of the world? Dock of the bay? I'm out.

— What are we gonna do about my job?
— Not go.
— Great! Road trip, baby!

— My diary! Brilliant! If I'd said it was my diary, she wouldn't have made me read it.
— That's true. You'd be a great person to have around after an emergency.

— That's a good one! Mine is to pilot a commercial jet.
— Now you only have to find a planeload of people... whose resolution is to plummet to their deaths.

Now we can watch Green Acres the way it was meant to be seen.

For the first time, I'm in a real relationship. I won't screw that up by telling the truth.