Funny Quotes about Marriage Quotes

— Why did I marry you?
— Because I said yes.

"Marriage is just… Is a piece of paper."
"Where I am from, it's the way one says, 'I love you'."
"Where I come from, at my age… It's the way one says, 'I just got knocked up'."

— I'm not gonna drain you completely. You'll be my slave. Because I don't think you're worthy of human blood, you'll feed on the blood of stray dogs. You'll be my foot stool. And at my command, you'll lick the dog shit from my boot heel. Since you'll be my dog, your new name will be Spot. Welcome to slavery.
— No, thanks. I already had a wife.

— Any news of cousin Sonja?
— Only that she and Voskovec are unhappy and she takes lovers.
— She takes uppers?
— Lovers.
— Oh, lovers.

— So, Ned, how long have you guys been married, then?
— 30 years. Oh. If I had killed her when I first thought about it, I could be out by now. A free man.

— Paul. If the honeymoon doesn't work out, let's not get divorced. Let's kill each other.
— Let's have a maid do it. I hear the service here's wonderful.

Joe Harding: — So? What's it like?
Albert Garner: — What's what like?
Willie Davis: — Being married, dummy.
Albert Garner: — I don't know how any of this happened. I mean, I don't even remember proposing. I mean, I feel like a raccoon caught in a bear trap with one leg stuck. She's a terrific person. I mean, she's sexy, we get it on. She's a great cook. She likes me the way I am. I don't even like me the way I am. Everything is terrific, but I got to tell you, I'm experiencing this very odd feeling. I think it might be happiness.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to drag you from your delicious desserts. There are just one or two little things I feel I should say as best man. This is only the second time I've ever been a best man. I hope I did the job all right that time. The couple in question are at least still talking to me. Unfortunately, they're not actually talking to each other. The divorce came through a couple of months ago. But I'm assured it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Apparently, Paula knew that Pierce had slept with her younger sister before I mentioned it in the speech. The fact that he slept with her mother came as a surprise but I think was incidental to the nightmare of recrimination and violence that became their two-day marriage.