Jordan Sullivan

I am your new friend, so suck it!

— Quick, first place we made love?
— Give me a break. We've never «made love».

Oh, and Perry, I know I asked you to be more sensitive when we do it, but I was hoping you wouldn't curse as much. I mean, to actually cry during sex, what's that about?

Percival Cox: — After shooting my mouth off the other night, I've been feeling a lot of...
Jordan: — Guilt.
Percival Cox: — No. Not that.
John Dorian: — Guilt?
Percival Cox: — Yes, that. I don't like her to be right.

Was either one of us giving you a vibe that we give a crap? Because, if so, that's an accident and we're sorry.

— It's Jack's first birthday, I want it to be special. I got a petting zoo for the kids. And we need to figure out something great for the adults.
— How about a Russian Roulette booth? And here's the kicker. We put bullets in all the chambers. That way everybody wins!

I'm feeling so open and vulnerable that it's literally filling me up with rage and hatred, so I should go.

OK, either the heat in my office is broken or I drifted off and fantasized about Rudy Giuliani again.

— Have you named this thing yet?
— I'm naming him after my father.
— Tax Evader?

— I'm assuming, since you already took everything else, that you're here for my self-respect, but there's bad news on that one, sweetcheeks. I already gave it to your mom when she begged me to marry you.
— I wouldn't have room for it, what with your testicles in my trophy case.
— Holy cow. Who's better? You got me by the short hairs.

If you don't do what she wants, I'm going to stop having sex with you and start making love.

— Well, it's for the best, 'cause if you knew, you just would get all panicky and annoying. And this way you only have to freak out for a couple of hours, most of which I'll be unconscious. Kind of like our honeymoon.
— Except this time when you wake up, you're going to have a baby girl in your arms instead of the Bolivian limbo champion.
— Oh, Marco! What a cheeky monkey! How come we don't travel any more?

— You know what's weird?
— Tell me.
— We're close, yet if anybody asks if we're married, all either one of us can say is no.
— I say we were married for five years, got divorced, now we have a child, but are in a long-term committed relationship.
— That's what I say, too. That or no.

— Excuse me, when you're done with that phone, may I borrow it to call my kids?
— Really?
— No.
— Say, did you even bother to tell the babysitter she has to stay overnight this weekend?
— Well, she'll figure it out.

John Dorian: — Since Jordan had pre-natal surgery, she'd been on bed rest. Dr Cox, however, was not.
Perry Cox: — Okay, I made you breakfast, the kitchen's as clean as a whistle, I'm gonna drop Jack off at daycare on the way to work. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Jordan Sullivan: — I need you to go to the video store and get me anything with Viggo something-sen. I need white chocolate, strawberry seltzer, peppercorn brie and a Polaroid of the tomato plant that I planted last spring because I'm worried it may have snails. Oh, and if you see that neighbour, Lena, from down the hall, I want you to roll your eyes and say the word «slut» under your breath,
but loud enough so she can hear. And don't forget to be home by 6:30 because you gotta give Jack his bath before you make my dinner.
Perry Cox: — But when will I have time to kill myself?

— When Jack wouldn't stop crying I wanted to throw that bastard out the window.
— Really? I wanted to throw Isabella out the window. Yeah, but we just had our apartment repainted and all the windows were sealed shut. So, I just wanted to drop her off the roof.