Jordan Sullivan

Perry was so wrong about you. You're not an idiotic, scalpel-toting, basketball-dribbling, blood-sugar-watching, idiotic man-boy...

Helping someone move is like oral sex: you do it once and then they owe you for life!

I'm a little doormat,
I sit and I stay.
Let people use me
every single day.

— You are an unpredictable, passionate person and you challenge me each and every day. That's the reason I can imagine being with you when I'm 70 and you're 65, and your face is 40 and your boobs are 29.
— My face'll never look 40.
— You're right. My bad.

Perry! I didn't freak out 'cause you and I are two very independent people in a relationship and we don't always share our feelings. I didn't get angry because I'm not surprised. Do I wish it were different? Sometimes. But, whatever you and I have is working, so I guess I just have to live with it.

You cannot have sex with someone you care about. Sex is for making babies and revenge.

— Oh, that's nice. I'm going home.
— No, no, you're not.
— Bye-bye.
— Jordan, your water just broke.
— This kid's annoying me already.

— Remember when my dog died and you told me he went to doggy hell? And then you said my mom was gonna go to doggy hell, too, when she died?
— Because of her dog face.
— Right.

With every couple, there's the hard-ass and then the sweet one.

— Good job, DJ.
— You know, it's JD, OK? At least I remember the names of all my sezual partners.
— I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunkmate from Camp Morning Wood are both extremely grateful. Yeah.
— Camp Meadow Wood. I made a lanyard.

— Jordan! What a coincidence! You were in my dream. I can't say for certain, but I was having the flesh torn from my bones by a cross-eyed water snake. You, right?
— Yes.
— Right?
— Yeah.