There is no Shangri-La, you know. Every relationship is messed up. What makes it perfect is if you still wanna be there when things really suck.

— You gotta help pull J. D. out of this spiral.
— Any other day, I'd say «No», but today, I'm gonna go ahead — and just say, «No».

— Love is like a butterfly. Hold it too tight and you'll crush it.
— Too loose and it flies away.

— Guys, listen, we really need to help Elliot.
— She said she doesn't want help.
— If J. D. Were drowning and said he didn't want you to save him, wouldn't you?
— Depends. What if there're hot chicks? Maybe he wants one of them to jump in and save him.
— Say there's no women.
— There's always women at the pool!
— Fine. He's in a pond.
— Oh, I would never swim in a pond. They're infamous for serpents.
— You could swim at the Y, men only. Have you been on man night?
— Not me.
— Fine! Turk's the one who's drowning!
— So now a brother can't swim.
— Why do you have to go there?
— Oh, my God! I would rather play Jiggly Ball than try to explain this to you two idiots.

I miss you. Maybe tonight we can, you know, rent a movie and then not watch it.

— So, how are my girls today? Fantastic. Listen...
— If you're here to do one of your "How are my girls today, now let me tell you some things you don't want to hear" routines, I'm in a mood, so it's probably in your best interes to make up some lame excuse and leave.
— Young lady, I will not be spoken to like that. Luckily for you, I have to go see Miss Fitzstrafoler.

— Who left this urine here?
— Someone's got a secret admirer.

— She's pregnant! You're supposed to tell her what she wants to hear.
— Yeah, like remember when Carla was preggers and we all told her how beautiful she was, even though she looked like George Lopez?

— So if I understand correctly, you left my only child with a creepy, borderline psychotic who hates everyone.
— That's different from leaving him with you?
— I have freckles.

— Baby, you know if my malpractice insurance goes through the roof, you're going to have to take a step down lifestyle-wise.
— I live in a tiny apartment with my husband, his best friend, and their dead stuffed dog. What's the step down?

— What's it gonna be like having a baby?
— Dr. Cox says it's like having a dog that slowly learns how to talk.
— Awesome!

— Half of what rappers say doesn't make any sense. Like that Snoop Dogg — Dr. Dre song? What does «still hittin' them corners and those ho-hos girl» mean?
— Many disadvantaged African-Americans have limited nutritional choices, therefore they must subsist on Ho-Ho snack cakes. It's a black thing, bro.
— Actually, Turk, it's «still hittin' them corners and them 'lo — los' girls».
— Lo-los, not ho-hos. See, Turk, in the'hood, a lo — lo is a lowrider, or a car with an adjusted suspension that allows it to bounce up and down. And Dre and Snoop enjoy driving around together in their lowriders around the corners, or lizzle — rizzles. I'm representin' for them gangtas all across the world! Still hittin' them corners and them lo — los girls! Still taking my time to perfect the beat, and I still got love for the street!
— Turk! You just got schooled on rap by the two whitest chicks in America!
— None of you can prove it!
— I got it on tape.

— You're right, he definitely has a cute little butt.
— It's almost like it's been sculpted.
— Who cares? Everybody's got a cute butt. I have a cute butt.
— You should bring it in some day.

— Look, I feel like I can give you a list of things that are sucky about being pregnant. For starters, I'm now horny as I've ever been and my husband is repulsed by me.
— Listen, if you really need it that badly, I will suck it up and shut my eyes so tight and then do you.
— Thank you for the sacrifice.
— It's because I love you.

— At least you've stopped crying.
— No, not really. My body can't produce tears anymore. I've intentionally dehydrated myself. It's a risky move, I know, but Dr. Jarvis here said it'll be all right.
— There's nobody standing behind you.
— I'm going to need an IV.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.