Dr. Christopher Turk

I love you. You annoy me more than I ever thought possible, but I want to spend every irritating minute with you.

But different doesn't always mean bad. Just means different.

If you found someone who makes you happy by just sitting around and holding hands, then eventually all that other stuff won't matter.

— You're the only man who's ever been inside of me.
— I just took out his appendix.

— Love is like a butterfly. Hold it too tight and you'll crush it.
— Too loose and it flies away.

— I'm still a virgin.
— You're pregnant.
— Again?

— I got a hernia patient to take care of.
— What's his name?
— His name's Hernia Patient. But we've gotten close so I call him Hernia.

— Guys, listen, we really need to help Elliot.
— She said she doesn't want help.
— If J. D. Were drowning and said he didn't want you to save him, wouldn't you?
— Depends. What if there're hot chicks? Maybe he wants one of them to jump in and save him.
— Say there's no women.
— There's always women at the pool!
— Fine. He's in a pond.
— Oh, I would never swim in a pond. They're infamous for serpents.
— You could swim at the Y, men only. Have you been on man night?
— Not me.
— Fine! Turk's the one who's drowning!
— So now a brother can't swim.
— Why do you have to go there?
— Oh, my God! I would rather play Jiggly Ball than try to explain this to you two idiots.

— I trusted you.
— That wasn't very smart, was it?

— Baby, you know if my malpractice insurance goes through the roof, you're going to have to take a step down lifestyle-wise.
— I live in a tiny apartment with my husband, his best friend, and their dead stuffed dog. What's the step down?

— What's it gonna be like having a baby?
— Dr. Cox says it's like having a dog that slowly learns how to talk.
— Awesome!

— ...so we do married stuff.
— Fighting, bickering and the occasional quickie?

— You haven't done anything on this list. You never slept naked on a hammock?
— I'm afraid of dragonflies.

— Half of what rappers say doesn't make any sense. Like that Snoop Dogg — Dr. Dre song? What does «still hittin' them corners and those ho-hos girl» mean?
— Many disadvantaged African-Americans have limited nutritional choices, therefore they must subsist on Ho-Ho snack cakes. It's a black thing, bro.
— Actually, Turk, it's «still hittin' them corners and them 'lo — los' girls».
— Lo-los, not ho-hos. See, Turk, in the'hood, a lo — lo is a lowrider, or a car with an adjusted suspension that allows it to bounce up and down. And Dre and Snoop enjoy driving around together in their lowriders around the corners, or lizzle — rizzles. I'm representin' for them gangtas all across the world! Still hittin' them corners and them lo — los girls! Still taking my time to perfect the beat, and I still got love for the street!
— Turk! You just got schooled on rap by the two whitest chicks in America!
— None of you can prove it!
— I got it on tape.

One tiny mistake can't ruin something that good.