Alan Harper

— You know what we call people who say those kinds of things?
— My family?

— She invited me to her house for dinner tonight. I think she wants to have sex.
— With who?
— With me.
— With you? Hang on a second. Nope. No snowballs reported in hell. No sightings of flying pigs.
— What am I gonna do?
— You don't know? Come on, Alan, you were married for 12 years.
— What does marriage have to do with sex?
— Point taken. Okay, you want some tips?
— No, no, nothing like that. I need step-by-step instructions.

— What happened to your money?
— Good question. You know how easy Texas Hold'em looks on TV when you can see the other guys' hole cards?
— Yeah.
— Very different in real life.

— Things don't just turn up. You're living in a dream world. Money doesn't just fall from the sky.
— Obviously you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.

— Come on, really. What's the big secret with these women?
— Boy, I really don't wanna get into it.
— They're hideous, right?
— No.
— Insufferable?
— No.
— Inflatable?

— It is like I have known him all my life.
— I know the feeling. You get over it.

— Women are suckers for a good apology. Just keep shoveling it on till roses start growing in it.
— Poor Satan. He'll come for your soul and he'll leave empty-handed.

— I tried with that kid, Alan. He says one thing, and then he goes and does another.
— He's 10. He's got the attention span of a hummingbird.
— What am I supposed to do when he ignores me?
— You punish him. You take away his computer, his TV, his toys.
— You already took away all the good stuff. What am I supposed to take away? His bronchial inhaler?

— Remember, you're being punished. So, no TV, no computer, no GameBoy. Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears.
— Okay, but you have to be my liver and prostate.

— Charlie!
— What?
— You kicked me in your sleep.
— Who said I was asleep?

— It's just for a couple of days.
— A couple of days? Jack The Ripper just kill a couple of prostitutes. It was still wrong.

— But there are other people with cars, living lives completely separate from your own.
— Oh, right. I hate those people.

— Married men live, on average, 10 years longer than single men.
— What if they don't want to?

Why waste time on 10s when you're already getting rejected by sixes?

— For the record, there are other ways of measuring success besides cars.
— You're right. There's boats and pools.