Alan Harper

— What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
— Well, then you must be, like, the Hulk.

They're so precious at that age, aren't they? Call me in a few years when she's pierced and pregnant with a pocket full of 30-day chips.

— So, what happened?... She's so hot.
— ... For everyone gorgeous woman in the world, there's a guy out there who's tired of banging her.

— How about that? He's got a crush.
— It's like watching a dog chase a car. He'll never catch it, and even if he did, he couldn't drive it.
— He's still doing better than you.

The holy trinity of a Valentine's Day: sips, sonets and sodomy.

— Alan, the kid was asking about these women you've been going out with. Why he never meets them.
— Really? What did you tell him?
— I said it's probably because he's disgusting... I also told him that you love him, you don't want him to get attached to somebody and then be dissapointed if things don't work out.
— Good. Thank you.
— But how come I don't get to meet them?
— Because you're disgusting.

— Why are they fighting?
— They're not fighting. They're discussing.
— I'm a child of divorce, Dad. I know the difference.

— You know what, it doesn't matter if I look cool, we judge a person by what's inside them, not by what they wear.
— Lucky for you.

— Relationships are built on trust and mutual respect.
— Oh, grow up. Relationships are built on diamond earrings and Viagra.

— Wow, you went out with her?
— Yep.
— Why would you stop?
— I don't remember. I probably got bored.
— Bored? How do you get bored with that?
— Alan, for every beautiful woman in the world, there's at least one guy out there who's tired of pretending to listen to her in exchange for sex.

— Sure you don't want a drink?
— No. When I'm depressed, alcohol just makes me feel worse.
— Yeah, see, the trick is to drink past that. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon.

— I was just wondering. What does it mean when someone starts crying uncontrollably after sex?
— Well, in my experience, it usually means the conjugal visit's over.