Alan Harper

— You're overthinking this. When your dog dies, you don't make a list. You bury him, plant a shrub on top, tell the kids he's running around a farm, and move on.
— That's actually a very apt metaphor. My failed marriage is like a dead dog. But it serves as fertilizer for the shrub, which represents my new life. So if I try to revitalize the marriage... You know, digging up the dog... then I'm killing the shrub, which is me.

Berta explains to Alan that he doesn't have to to repair his ruined marriage.

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— Wow, pregnancy's a wild ride, huh? One minute she's loving and affectionate and the next minute she's, well...
— Cruel? Vengeful? Castrating?
— I was gonna say "moody".
— Wait for it.

— Do you really want me to tell 10-year-old boy that somebody he cares about was pretending to like him? What kind of lesson is that?
— He lives in LA. He might as well learn now.

— Bonjour! Are you a friend of Charlie's?
— I'm his brother. So, no.

Another girl comes down from Charlie's room.

— I think she's really great.
— Me, too. When she's coming back?
— Let's see. Today's Sunday, so... Never.

— Did you get Myra to the airport?
— Yep. And you know what? I'll never see her again. I was just a meaningless fling to that girl. Huh. I'll bet this is that whole karma thing people talk about.
— Could be.
— You know that feeling you get when... somebody's gone from your life... and you suddenly realize that you miss them?
— Yeah?
— I don't care for it.

Yeah, that's how Charlie says goodbye. Yep, some people shake hands, some people wave. My brother darts his tongue in and out of her mouth.

A dead girl in your bed is an emergency. A passed-out girl is a dinner date.

— O, say, if I took a picture of a strange wart on my toe, would you show it to her and ask if it's normal?
— Sure, I'll pull it out over dinner.
— Come on! She's a dermatologist, and I have a hideous growth on my foot.
— The hideous growth on your foot is you.

Alan, having learned that Charlie's new girlfriend is a dermatologist, asks his brother to help.

— Alan, you've been making the same mistake your whole life. Being the good boy, fixing everything so everybody would love you. It didn't work with Mom. It didn't work with either of the women you went out with. And it's not gonna work with your wife.
— Charlie, you know nothing about commitment and responsibility to a relationship.
— Granted. But I do know when a woman's using me. And by that I mean not in a fun way.

Alan Harper

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