Dogma

— Hey. What's he like?
— God? Lonely... but funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Sex, for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.
— Sex is a joke in heaven?
— The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here too.

Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can do... next to soccer.

Oh, no, I've seen way too many Bond movies to know that you never reveal all the details of your plan no matter how close you may think you are to winning.

— You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You've been in his presence. He's spoken to you personally. Yet I heard you claim to be atheist.
— I like to fuck with the clergy. I just love it. I love to keep those guys on their toes.

Is this why I had to come down here and miss my fucking cartoons?

Now who's the fucking child? What did you tell him, to hit me with the golf club? Are you serious? I'm a fucking demon. You'd have him assault me with a putter?

— Our last four days on earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we can do the next best thing.
— What's that?
— Let's kill people.

— One of the last sacred promises imparted to Peter the first Pope by the Son of God before He left was: «Whatever you hold true on earth...»
— «I'll hold true in Heaven».

A very basic strategy — if your enemies know where you are, then don't be there.

— Jesus. You're a Catholic. Can't you talk to them?
— They hate me more than you, no doubt. You have an excuse. You're Jewish. You don't know any better.
— We already used that excuse when we killed Christ.

Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any occasion when some yahoo claims that God has spoken to them... they're speaking to me. Or they're talking to themselves.

But one of the drawbacks to being intangible is that you have no say in the editorial process. The people that held the pens added their own perspective and all the penholders were men. So she became a he. Doesn't stop with God either. The whole book's gender-biased. A woman's responsible for original sin. A woman cuts Samson's coif of power. A woman asks for the head of John the Baptist. Read that book again. Women are bigger antagonists than Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks.

— What's your proof?
— He's wearing a wedding band.
— And it never occurred to you that maybe she's his wife?
— No married man kisses his wife like that.
— Okay. Well, it's a good thing you were never the deciding member on a jury is all I'm saying. "No married man kisses his wife like that"? Are you stoned?

Take it and quit leering at me. People will think I broke up with you.

— Let it never be said that your anal retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results.
— You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus.