Bethany

Bethany: — It's been a while since physics but I would think the impact with which you hit would have liquefied you.
Rufus: — Death is a worry of the living. The dead, like myself, only worry about decay and necrophiliacs.
Jay: — Told you he was the undead.

— You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. You need a man, if only for 10 minutes.
— My experience is that the average male is never a man not even for 10 minutes in his entire life span.
— That sounds militant. You thinking of joining the other side?
— Couldn't do it. Women are insane.

— For example, I'm responsible for 19 of the 20 top-grossing films of all time.
— Nineteen?
— Yeah. The one about the kid by himself in his house burglars trying to come in and he fights them off I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get grosses up on that piece of shit.

— You knew Christ?
— Knew him? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks.

— Were they sent to Hell?
— Worse. Wisconsin.

— Let's say we're caught in a situation where we have five minutes left to live. A bomb or something's gonna go off. Would you fuck us then?
— In that highly unlikely situation? Yeah, sure.
— Yeah? She's a slut.

— Hey. What's he like?
— God? Lonely... but funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Sex, for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.
— Sex is a joke in heaven?
— The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here too.

— Jesus. You're a Catholic. Can't you talk to them?
— They hate me more than you, no doubt. You have an excuse. You're Jewish. You don't know any better.
— We already used that excuse when we killed Christ.

— So one day, Loki's wiping out all the firstborn of Egypt...
— The Tenth Plague.
— See? Tell a person you're the Metatron, they stare blankly. Mention something in a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everybody's a theology scholar.

— This girl's no woman.
— Oh. Those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?
— What, these? You should know better than anyone here that tits don't make a woman.
— The tubby, coat-wearing motherfucker's got tits.

— Crisis of faith over?
— I think I'm now burdened with an overabundance.
— When it rains, it pours. Are you saying you believe?
— No. But I have a good idea.
— Yes.

— What are you?
— I'm pissed off is what I am. Do you drench everyone who comes in here with flame-retardant chemicals. No wonder you're single.

— ... I think I've been a pretty good sport about all this so far. But I'm not going anywhere until I find out where you came from.
— Me? I came from heaven. Now let's start walking.
— Walk? Fuck you! Do you know how far we are from anywheres?
— Hey, man, back in the old days with J. C., we used to walk everywhere. Did you ever hear of a fat apostle?

— Wars, bigotry, televangelism. The big one, though, is the factioning of all the religions. He said mankind got it all wrong by taking a good idea and building a belief structure on it.
— You're saying having beliefs is a bad thing?
— I just think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. People die for it. People kill for it.

— Well, how do I know you're an angel?
— What, aside from the fiery entrance and the expansive wingspan? You want more proof? Fine. How about tequila?
— Where the hell are we?
— Only place you can go for a good tequila. Dos tequilas, por favor, and an empty glass.
— We're in Mexico?
— Actually, we're in the franchised Mexican eatery down the street from your apartment but it's impressive nonetheless.

— Someone told me I'd meet you, and you'd take me somewhere I was supposed to go. I didn't believe it until you said that thing in the parking lot.
— What the hell are you babbling about? All I know is we saved your ass from some angry fucking dwarfs and you promised us se~..
<...>
...and now you're telling me that I'm supposed to take you somewhere, and you don't even know where it is?
— I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked up bar.