I know you're concerned about disappointing me, but I want you to take comfort from the knowledge that my expectations of you are very low.

Oh gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.

Oh, memory impairment. The free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle.

There isn't enough chamomile tea in the world to quell the rage in my heart.

Bazinga!

Soft kitty, warm kitty.
Little ball of fur.
Sleepy kitty, happy kitty.
Purr, purr, purr.

A little misunderstanding? Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.

— Why are you crying?
— Because I'm stupid!
— Is the reason for cry? For example, I cry because other are stupid and it makes me sad.

Pee for Houston,
pee for Austin,
pee for the state my heart got lost in.
And… shake twice for Texas.

How exactly would one measure a sense of humor? A humormometer?

I am genius because I am genius!

If «ifs» and «buts» were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.

— Sheldon, think this through. You're going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.
— No, I'm going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapons systems.
— You're right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact.
— My point.

Very often when women think they're angry, they're really just hungry.