Homer Simpson

— Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you!
— Batman?
— No, he's a scientist.
— Batman's a scientist.
— It's not Batman!

Oh my god I'm going to be killed by a bear! Well I guess I don't have to worry anymore about the dangers of smoking.

— I’m sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we’re the worst family in town.
— Maybe we should move to a larger community.

— Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
— Well I’ve got a whole list of chores. Clean the garage, paint the house.
— Woah woah woah. I’m just trying to get in. I’m not running for Jesus.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

But when I see the smiles on their little faces, I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something.

Please there's gotta be something else I can do. Like mow your lawn every week for two weeks. I can't do it next week.

You know my kids think you're the greatest, and thanks to your gloomy music they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide.

— I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
— Son, I am proud of you. I was twice your age when I figured that out.

I've come to hate my own creation! Now I know how God feels.

— Well, maybe pulling pranks is the only thing I'm good at.
— Well, at least you have something you're good at. I'm 38 years old driving a crappy car with a son who doesn't respect me and I'm one snickers pie away from losing my foot to diabetes. Mmmm, snickers pie

— This is the worst day of my life.
— The worst day of your life so far.

Don't worry, head. The computer will do our thinking now.

What's the point of going out? We're just gonna wind up back here anyway.

To be loved, you have to be nice to people, every day! But to be hated, you don't have to do squat.