Two And A Half Men: Short Quotes | Quotepedia: Quotes Here

What is it with women? They go off and get married, and all of a sudden seem a lot more beautiful.

You weren't exactly eye-candy going in. But now... you could scare the flies off a manure truck.

Bertha was horrified by the barley that jumped on Alan's eye.

— What are you watching?
— Soft-core porn.
— Sound's not on.
— I don't need to hear them.

The holy trinity of a Valentine's Day: sips, sonets and sodomy.

— Beauty, sex, cooking, laundry.
— Marriage, boredom, alimony, death.

Alan brags to Charlie about the wonderful qualities of his new girlfriend, Charlie objects.

They say driving one is the most fun you can have with your pants on.

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Kandi (Charlie's girlfriend)

— That poor, clueless bastard.
— It's like watching a dog stick his face in a fan.

The Harper brothers, being engaged to their mother and Teddy, feel sorry for him - what kind of party he got.

Confession may be good for your soul, but it's a hot lead enema to a marriage.

— Bonjour! Are you a friend of Charlie's?
— I'm his brother. So, no.

Another girl comes down from Charlie's room.

— Did you hear that? Charlie found his boundary.
— It's a miracle.
— A Christmas miracle!

overheard at the door and discussing, after Charlie refused to sleep with a girl who may be his paternal sister.

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Rose (the Harpers' neighbor)

A dead girl in your bed is an emergency. A passed-out girl is a dinner date.

— How do you stop being afraid?
— Well, I drink.

Reading a self-help book doesn't make you less of a man.

Psychology, Psychologists

Masculinity

Some people like salt, some people like pepper, some people like salt and pepper. Me, I like women.

— Uncle Charlie's a genius.
— In a sense. But there's book smart and "look smart".

Charlie gave his nephew good advice on how to please the most beautiful girl in the class.

She's got one of those wooden toilet seats. It'd have been like sitting on Pinocchio's mouth.