— You never want to do anything since you and Janice broke up.
— That's not true. I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don't say I don't have goals!

— I heard that.
— Well, I said it loud.

Looks like Night of the Living Dead Christmas Trees.

— I knew it. I knew it. I always knew she liked him. She'd say no, but here we are, right? We just broke up, first thing she does.
— You didn't just break up.
— Hey, it's been, like, three weeks.
— You slept with somebody three hours after you thought you broke up. I mean, bullets have left guns slower.

— "What can we do?" Huh? All right, who's first, huh? Ross?
— Chandler's our friend, and Janice makes him happy. So I say we be adult about it and accept her.
— We'll call that Plan B.

You have to make it a theme wedding. And the theme could be: "Look How Much Money We've Got!"

Oh, dark mother, once again I suckle at your smoky teat.

— I'd like to get her something serious.
— Oh, you want something serious. You know what you should do? You should get her one of those, um... barium enemas. Those are dead serious.

— Chandler!
— Well, at least let me smoke it to the good part.

— Could you close that window? My nipples could cut glass.
— Really? Because mine get me out of tickets.

— What are you doing?
— Making chocolate milk. You want some?
— No, thanks. I'm 29.

— Okay. All right, how's this? Twenty-seven, Italian-American guy. He's an actor. Born in Queens. Wow! Big family. Seven sisters... and he's the only... boy. Oh, my God! Under personal comments: "New York Knicks rule."
— Yeah, the Knicks rule!

— Okay. Don't get mad, okay?
— Okay, don't give me a reason to get mad, okay?

The way to quit smoking is to dance naked in a field of heather... and then bathe in the sweat of six healthy young men.

— Vince is a fireman.
— Have you ever rescued anyone from a burning building?
— Ninety-eight hot saves. Highest on the force.
— If Joey and I play with matches, we could get you up to an even 100.