The Big Bang Theory

I know you're concerned about disappointing me, but I want you to take comfort from the knowledge that my expectations of you are very low.

What are you looking at? You've never seen a hypocrite before?

Oh gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.

Oh, memory impairment. The free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle.

There isn't enough chamomile tea in the world to quell the rage in my heart.

Bazinga!

Soft kitty, warm kitty.
Little ball of fur.
Sleepy kitty, happy kitty.
Purr, purr, purr.

— Leonard, I didn't know you play the cello.
— Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough.

A little misunderstanding? Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.

Hey, buddy, what brings you to my little slice of Hell?

— Why are you crying?
— Because I'm stupid!
— Is the reason for cry? For example, I cry because other are stupid and it makes me sad.

Pee for Houston,
pee for Austin,
pee for the state my heart got lost in.
And… shake twice for Texas.

How exactly would one measure a sense of humor? A humormometer?

I am genius because I am genius!

Sheldon knows football? I mean Quidditch, sure, but football?

If «ifs» and «buts» were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.