How I Met Your Mother

You and Marshall belong together. The two of you have something most people search their whole lives for and never find. I know you love him and if you knew what he was going through right now you wouldn’t be here for one more second. I bought you a ticket home. Marshall is one of the best people I know and it won’t be long until someone else realizes that and you will lose him forever.

Girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a hotness expiration date and you've hit yours. I'm not saying the occasional guy won't still go to the fridge, open you up, take a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway: but it's all downhill from here.

There are so many things to do with the human mouth. Why waste it on talking?

There are only three things I would fight: the stubborn clasp of a bra, a paternity suit and the urge to vomit whenever I see someone wear brown shoes with a black suit.

Whenever I’m sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.

God, it’s me, Barney. Whaddup? I know we don’t talk much, though a lot of girls call out your name because of me.

There are only two reasons to date a girl you’ve already dated: breast implants.

When will you learn that the only difference between my life and porn is my life has better lighting?