Marshall Eriksen

Barney Stinson: — So how'd it all go down between you and Bilson?
Marshall Eriksen: — Well, after he proposed a vocational paradigm shift, I made an impromptu presentation using a four-pronged approach that really brought him to his knees.
Barney Stinson: — Hit him with a chair?
Marshall Eriksen: — Yep.

— My hair! Look at my hair! She ruined my hair! I look like one of the Backstreet Boys!
— You totally do! And not even the good Backstreet Boys, but the older, lame dance move, comeback tour Backstreet Boys.

I'm cuddly, bitch. Deal with it!

You know who likes long distance? Girls. It's all talking and no sex. Kill me now.

— Like tonight, we're tasting all these different wines, pairing them up with these cool, gourmet cheeses.
— Wow. Who knew being in a committed heterosexual relationship could make a guy so gay.

— If I could nail any celebrity, it would be Lily, because she's the star of my heart.
— Aw! Mine would be Hugh Jackman.

— It was a cockamouse!
— What?
— Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha?