Barney Stinson

A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth.

Legen...waiting for it...dary!

When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.

Whatever you do in this life, it’s not legendary unless your friends are there to see it.

Barney Stinson: — So how'd it all go down between you and Bilson?
Marshall Eriksen: — Well, after he proposed a vocational paradigm shift, I made an impromptu presentation using a four-pronged approach that really brought him to his knees.
Barney Stinson: — Hit him with a chair?
Marshall Eriksen: — Yep.

Nothing, and everything, is possimpible.

— My hair! Look at my hair! She ruined my hair! I look like one of the Backstreet Boys!
— You totally do! And not even the good Backstreet Boys, but the older, lame dance move, comeback tour Backstreet Boys.

The only difference between my life and porn is my life has better lighting.

We wait three days to call a woman. Because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.

— Whatcha doing?
— A rain dance.
— Dude, that's not a rain dance, that's a fat kid with a bee in his pants.

— Why are you sleeping in our tub?
— The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling.

— Like tonight, we're tasting all these different wines, pairing them up with these cool, gourmet cheeses.
— Wow. Who knew being in a committed heterosexual relationship could make a guy so gay.

The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old.

Stop trying to chase down some magical, perfect New Years, Ted. It doesn't exist.

Your ego's writing checks your body can't cash!

— It was a cockamouse!
— What?
— Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha?