How I Met Your Mother

No part of Barney Stinson does anything less than 110 per cent. If one of my little Michael Phelps’ has got loose, he’s swimming for a Gold.

You are in the heart of Bachelor Country. And as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here. Now, you could try to apply for a sex visa, but that only lasts 12 hours... 14 if you qualify for multiple entries.

I invest in women who – how can I put this delicately? – they fat! I give them the attention they don't get now, and when they get hot, who do they come to? The guy who gave them attention back when they weren't.

Open your brain–tank brah, 'cause here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. There are three rules of cheating: It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married, it's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels, and it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.

You don't bring a date to a wedding. That's like taking a deer carcass on a hunting trip.

The rules for dating are the same as the rules for Gremlins. Rule 1: Never get them wet: in other words, don't let her shower at your place. Rule 2: Keep them away from sunlight: i.e., never see them during the day. Rule 3: Never feed them after midnight: meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her. Ever!

I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it — buck naked! It's going to be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies...

Sometimes we search for one thing but discover another.

I realized that I’m searching, searching for what I really want in life. And you know what? I have absolutely no idea what that is.

Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume, in case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way, I have a second chance to make a first impression.

Your Ego’s writing checks your body can’t cash.

Maybe this isn’t a breakup. Maybe this is just two friends getting back together.

— He's the awesomest, most best-lookingest, greatest guy ever!
— He's exactly like Barney.
— That's what I just said.

It is physically impossible for me to take a bad picture. I don't know why, just ask God.

— Barney, this is the third time you've hit on me by accident.
— It's one of the many risks of the blind approach. It's usually a two-man operation where Ted signals that the target is hot.