Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop calling.

— You never want to do anything since you and Janice broke up.
— That's not true. I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don't say I don't have goals!

— Where's Chandler?
— He needed time to grieve.
— I' m free! I' m free!
— That ought to do it.

— How can I dump this woman on Valentine's Day?
— I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.
— Oh, man. In my next life I'm coming back as a toilet brush.