First, he forgets me.
Now he leaves me with you.
Hey, you know what? Your father works like a dog to make sure you have everything.
If he's not there for you it's just because he's trying to stay out of federal prison.
I think he needs to have sex.
I was kidding about prison, Jake.

She's got one of those wooden toilet seats. It'd have been like sitting on Pinocchio's mouth.

— O, say, if I took a picture of a strange wart on my toe, would you show it to her and ask if it's normal?
— Sure, I'll pull it out over dinner.
— Come on! She's a dermatologist, and I have a hideous growth on my foot.
— The hideous growth on your foot is you.