And for the love of God, do you at least remember what you were doing the day they were passing out common sense? Maybe you were running late cos you couldn't find the right thong for those low-rider jeans you love. Maybe you were bopping along to whatever boy band makes your heart race and you just drove on by. I don't know, I'm just guessing. But one thing's sure. You wound up at the dumb-dumb store and put about as much of that in the car as you could fit, didn't you?

Of course I'm holding back! I'm insane, you idiot. Remember when you told me I had pit stains? I've cried every 15 minutes on the half-hour since you told me. I am racked with self-doubt, I'm claustrophobic, germophobic, phobia-phobic. I talk to myself, I talk to my cat, I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that my cats respond to me in my mother's voice, and yesterday, when that stupid, pretty surgical nurse handed you latex gloves, I almost killed a guy I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about you having sex on a box of steaks. Why a box of steaks? My dad had an affair with a female butcher. And, as I mentioned before, I am insane. There, I opened up. Are you happy?

Your problem isn't making bad choices. It's that you identify the good choice and then intentionally do the opposite. You see, behind this boorish bravado of yours is a paralysing fear
of letting anyone into your life. And it isn't because you weren't loved when you were a kid. You're so egocentric that the love wasn't enough. So you pulled pigtails and you pushed the fat kids into the dirt so no one could ignore little Perry. Well, little Perry is now 40 years old and is so invested in this narcissistic notion of yourself as "loner" that you can't quit. And you'll just keep dumping on everyone around you until eventually, and please, trust me on this, there won't be anyone left.

I was just thinking about you. How it might be nice to have somebody around here who could help me out. Somebody I could call, gosh, my resident, and we'd do stuff together, medical stuff. It would just be peaches. But then it occurred to me a guy who looked a hell of lot like you used to be that guy. Monica, just because you have a new buddy doesn't mean you can suddenly drop your regular duties and I know I just said «drop your duties». And so help me God, if you even smile I will crush you into two little Newbie cubes and hang you from my rearview mirror. What you gotta say for yourself?