Scrubs: Funny Quotes

— Hey, what are you doing Frankeinstein?
— Photo journal for my photography class.
— Terrific. Could I see your camera? Hmm. Very interesting. Oh, there's film in it.
— Hey! All my pictures were in there! Dead patient with fancy shirt, dead patient without fancy shirt, me in fancy shirt being yelled at by angry family.

— How's it goin'?
— I'm a 37-year-old janitor. How d'you think it's going?
— There is nothing wrong with being a janitor.
— Really? Thank you, you've turned my life around. I'll tell my janitor wife and all our janitor kids that life is worth living. And that comes straight from our hero, Dr Whozits, Dr Nothing. No, seriously, come on. Come over to my humble house and point out things that are cheap.

Bob, now when the dark prince does finally call you home, please... Promise me that you'll donate your body to science. And I don't... mean medical science, I mean NASA. Because when those buzz-cuts have all but given up on trying to figure out... Just exactly what a black hole is, and they get one look at that space where your heart was supposed to be... well by-gum, you know they're just gonna say: «Awwww, shucks! hat's what it is!»

— You're the only man who's ever been inside of me.
— I just took out his appendix.

— But if you have any questions at all, I'm here.
— What channel is that Queer Guy show on?
— Tell him.
— Bravo, Tuesdays at ten, nine Central, eight Mountain.

— Quick, first place we made love?
— Give me a break. We've never «made love».

Too frank, right? I know. It's probably why my mom pushed me down the stairs. She is fat, though. And boring.

We're both men. One of us more than the other. But that's OK...

— You two have been on and off again more than Ross and Rachel from Friends.
— Please, I am nothing like Ross.
— No, of course not. You're Rachel, she's Ross!

Listen, Supergirl. I'm gonna break you into so many pieces that my grandmother, who can do a 1,000-piece puzzle in an hour, will never be able to put you back together, even if she goes go back in time to when her vision was perfect.

The addict said he quit? Why wouldn't you tell me that? That changes everything. Just because you have a new girlfriend doesn't mean that the world has suddenly turned into a giant green M&M. The Red Sox still suck, they do. Barbie here still can't decide what to do with those annoying bangs, and addicts everywhere will still lie to get a fix. Now, you've got to wake up, sweetheart. You're gonna be late for school... You wet the bed. Why can't I have a normal child without these problems?

She's probably feeling awful so say something reassuring. You're going to hell.

— I can't stop obsessing about this date. What do you think I should do?
— You should go ahead and thank your lucky stars you finally found a gal who's into same-sex relationships.

— Point to Iraq.
— Why do you keep a globe on your janitor cart?
— In case I get lost. I'll give you a hint. It's not the country shaped like a boot.
— That's Iraq.
— That's China.
— You're China.
— That's an outrageous accusation...

Over 50 per cent of our lawsuits can be traced back to poor patient-doctor communication. To that end, if any of you still feel the need to flap your babble holes, you will be joining me in my new daily seminar on doctor-patient relations. My first invitee will be Dr Murphy, whom I overheard telling someone, «Stop bleeding, oh, God, please stop bleeding».

Write this down. If you push around a stiff, nobody'll ask you to do anything.