— But if you have any questions at all, I'm here.
— What channel is that Queer Guy show on?
— Tell him.
— Bravo, Tuesdays at ten, nine Central, eight Mountain.

— Son, have you used drugs in the last 48 hours?
— Oh, no, sir. Never use drugs.
— Because this shot you're about to get could kill you — if mixed with narcotics.
— Oh, drugs. Yes, sir, all the time.

— How do you celebrate without heroin?
— Uh, with cake mostly.
— Then let's score some cake.

— Surgery? I'm a Jehovah's Witness. I can't get a transfusion. We believe that blood should not be passed from person to person.
— I'm a doctor. And we believe that without surgery, a patient in your condition can suffer from a major case of deadness.

— 15 percent of all surgical complications are anesthesiarelated, so I'd like to use hypnosis instead of traditional anesthesia.
— I'd like to sleep with Beyonce Knowles instead of my wife tonight, but that ain't happening either, you know what I'm sayin'?

— I'm gonna start acting crazy or something?
— You'll need a tinfoil hat to hold in all your thoughts.

People who publicize important things are people who can't do important things themselves.