Bob Kelso

— I really don't have time to be dealing with your little sex pickle.
— Really? She spent 2 years dealing with yours.

I only play Pacman and that car jack game. There's nothing like scoring a caddy and going down on street hos.

If I wanted to waste my breath, I'd have given my wife mouth-to-mouth when she went into cardiac arrest.

— Who's a whore?
— That'd be me, sir.

I would give her a shot, Perry, but this... is scotch, and I'm all Hasselhoffed out.

— You are a doctor and you need to be able to say simple clinical words like «penis» or «vagina» or «anal».
— «Anal» is not a dirty word, sir.
— Tell that to my wife.

— There you are, you deaf bastard. I hate you so much, every time you utter my name, I wanna stick my fist down your throat and watch you slowly choke on it.
— Ted, I can hear now.
— Who's Ted?

— Dr Kelso, I have a low anterior resection this afternoon and I'd really like to exercise in order to be at my best.
— Well, I'd really like grandkids someday, but the last five Christmases, my son has brought his roommate Brad home, so you tell me whether life is fair.

— Hell, without anesthesia, you made it halfway through. I bet you could publish that.
— Maybe they'll put it in Almost Magazine.

Elliot Reid: — Anyway, I know it's hard to believe, but when I first got to college, I was a little bit of a...
J. D.: — Dork?
Carla Espinosa: — Geek?
Bob Kelso: — Good-time Sally who gave it away for free?

Yes, Enid, I hear Baxter growling but the fact is, you ventured into his side of the house. Baring his teeth, huh? OK, now here's what you do. Are you ready? Make a sudden move.

All right, who ever stole my muffin is going to have to get this green fuzz out of my teeth.

If crying worked on me, my wife would have her own car by now.

Dr. Dorian, Do you not realize that you're nothing more than a large pair of scrubs to me? For God's sake, the only reason I carry this chart around is so I can pretend to remember your damn names.