Bob Kelso

— Dr Kelso, none of my patients have died today.
— Really? Mr Ferguson's corpse begs to differ.

If you're a 44-year-old man wearing a jumpsuit and you are not climbing into the cockpit of a rocket ship, chances are you've made a lot of wrong turns along the way.

— So, how are my girls today? Fantastic. Listen...
— If you're here to do one of your "How are my girls today, now let me tell you some things you don't want to hear" routines, I'm in a mood, so it's probably in your best interes to make up some lame excuse and leave.
— Young lady, I will not be spoken to like that. Luckily for you, I have to go see Miss Fitzstrafoler.

— Just a club soda, I'm driving.
— It's an open bar, cutie.
— Give me a bucket of Scotch.

Hiya! My name is Bob Kelso and I like whores. Now, why don't I introduce myself like that? Because there is a time and a place for the truth.

— Hey, Ace, your TTP patient coded. I pronounced him.
— He died?
— I certainly hope so. Otherwise that autopsy's going to be a bitch.

Hey, Anderson, before I retired, we never got to have a heart-to-heart. I'm not really a touchy-feely type, but, well, hell, I'll just say it. You're a jackass.

What has two thumbs and still doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso. I though we'd met.

— And you were supposed to marry him, last weekend? Speaking of which, I gave you a very hied cappuccino maker, and seeing is there aren't going to be any nuptials...
— Yeah, yeah. You'll get it back.
— Great.
<...>
— Hey, wait a minute. We've only got one cappuccino maker and it was from my brother Barry.
— Worth the shot.

— And this abomination is the reason we can't afford a new computer?
— Well, that... and the medical boondoggle I have to go to in Cleveland. And by medical boondoggle, I mean golf weekend, and by Cleveland, I mean Hawaii. <...> Anyway, I have to go catch my bus to the airport. And by bus, I mean helicopter.

— Gentlemen, a reminder: As attendings, you are expected to turn in your paperwork and your required urine sample by tomorrow.
— I'm not planning on doing any paperwork. I did go ahead and leave my urine sample on your driver'sside car door.

— Women are like crows. They like shiny things. Classy stuff they can wear in their ears, around their necks, through their nipples.
— Crows have nipples?

— Oh, my God, is that a smile?
— Well, it's like the last year, when the safety brake failed on Enid's wheelchair, and she started rolling toward our pool, I told myself: «Bob, it's already too late to stop it so you might as well sit back and enjoy it».

— Tell him my most important rule, Ted.
— Too much ''ha-ha'', pretty soon ''boo-hoo''.
— My other rule.
— If you don't look for a mistake, you can't find one.
— That's right, Teddy bear. Now, stop looking for trouble just because you like this patient, and face the facts. Remove him, Ted.
— That ''ha-ha'' rule is true.

You could have been back into my good graces and instead you passed the credit on to a nurse. How noble. I tell you what, I'll get the cafeteria staff to write «Was it worth it?» on a big cake for you.