Enjoy this while you can, Bobby. If your evil genie does grant your wish, and I disappear, the only person you'll have left to contend with will be yourself. And when you really get to know that person, dear God, you'll scream so loud, Satan will want to rip up the contract you signed so he can get some sleep.

Life's hard enough, and there's no way you can survive in a dump like this unless you find a way to get your emotions out.

Don't be embarrassed about staring at my ass. You're only human, and everybody does it anyway.

Too frank, right? I know. It's probably why my mom pushed me down the stairs. She is fat, though. And boring.

Newbie, what're you saying? That you want to be like me? Do you understand that I just barely want to be like me?

We're both men. One of us more than the other. But that's OK...

Listen, Supergirl. I'm gonna break you into so many pieces that my grandmother, who can do a 1,000-piece puzzle in an hour, will never be able to put you back together, even if she goes go back in time to when her vision was perfect.

Gosh, Marjorie, aren't you sassy today? Did Santa finally bring you that Y-chromosome you always wanted?

Write this down. If you push around a stiff, nobody'll ask you to do anything.

— I got a hernia patient to take care of.
— What's his name?
— His name's Hernia Patient. But we've gotten close so I call him Hernia.

It turns out we can't save people from themselves. We just treat 'em. Treat that kid with a respiratory problem and when he comes back with cancer, go ahead and treat that.

— Would you stay and watch the game with me? Maybe have a slice of pizza?
— Of course I will.
— I can braid your hair. I know the couch isn't very deep, but we could move the back cushion and spoon.

I miss you. Maybe tonight we can, you know, rent a movie and then not watch it.

I always heard that when they were right, they were easy. That even when things got hard that they were easy.