Ambrose Bierce

Future — that period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

Egotist — a person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

Bore — a person who talks when you wish him to listen.

Beauty — the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

Belladonna — in Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.

Cynic — a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.

Acquaintance — a person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

Consult — to seek another's approval of a course already decided on.

Boundary — an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.

Politeness — the most acceptable hypocrisy.

Admiration — our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

Erudition — dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.

Telephone — an invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

Education — that which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

Patience — a minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

Hypocrite — one who, professing virtues that he does not respect, secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises.