Alan Davis

— Give everyone a mental age of six, that would make Britain happier. We'd be very easily pleased. Sweets...
— Well, the media are working on that, aren't they?

— It cost 105,000 pounds last year to clean up the pigeon crap from Trafalgar Square.
— Where do pigeons get that sort of money?
<...>
— What else is interesting about pigeons? They can suck.
— Is that how they raised the 105,000?

I knew a landlord of a pub once who used to say to any female customer he liked the look of, "I've got a nine-inch tongue, and I can breathe through my ears!"

— I'll give you an extra two points if you can tell me the longest fence in the world.
— The Great Fence of China!
— It's to keep people off the Great Wall. About ten feet away from it.